5 Caring Ways to Help Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

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5 Caring Ways to Help Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

5 caring ways to help someone who had a miscarriage

A few weeks ago, I shared our miscarriage story and how I have worked to deal with the loss. Even three years later, it still hurts. In fact, my wife and I were getting choked up just talking about it today. It hits me at weird times. Certain dates can trigger it. Just seeing the tree in our backyard that we planted in remembrance of our baby reminds me of the painful loss every day. But people’s words can really hurt. That’s why I’m offering 5 caring ways to help someone who had a miscarriage.

Before our miscarriage, I didn’t realize how much of an impact my words can have on someone. Recently, I have talked with a few people in my life who have experienced miscarriage. Ever since my own experience, I am always careful of my conversation and words around the subject of pregnancy because maybe that friend who doesn’t have kids has quietly been grieving four miscarriages. You don’t know. Be careful with your words.

Before I get into my suggestions of how you can support someone grieving, let’s look at what not to say first.

Please don’t say this:

  1. “At least you have other kids”
  2. “At least you were still early in your pregnancy”
  3. “Everything happens for a reason”
  4. “I’m sure you will get pregnant again”

5 Caring Ways to Help Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

1. “I don’t know what that is like, but I’m here to support you”

One of the worst mistakes someone makes is to automatically say, “I understand how you feel.” Unless. you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, no you don’t. So, please don’t say that. However, you can acknowledge that you haven’t experienced this before but you are here to support them. Supporting them however they need. It means a lot when someone is real with me. It helps build trust in this situation so I feel like I can be real and share my grief in return.

2. “How are you feeling in your grief today?”

I love this question. There are days where my grief level is really low. I feel good. I didn’t think about the miscarriage much. And that is okay. But there are hard days too. Asking this question shows that you care and are truly ready to listen. It shows that you really want to find out how they are feeling and that you are here for them. It’s more meaningful than “How are ya?”

3. Acknowledge special dates

It’s easy to say “I’m sorry for your loss” and move on with your life. But that person who suffered the miscarriage is always going to be carrying that grief. They will remember the exact date when they found out. They will remember the due date. They will experience their first holidays without their baby. Acknowledging those dates and checking in mean so much. We have a friend who writes a heart felt card and sends texts to check in around those special dates. Wow. It says a lot that she remembers those dates each year.

4. Offer practical support

When times of tragedy strike, I hear people often respond with “If there is anything I can do for you, let me know.” But then they disappear. Don’t disappear. If you have a friend who just had a miscarriage, offer practical support. Go over and mow their lawn. Bring over a dinner. If they have kids, stop over and take their kids to the park, so mommy and daddy can have time together to grieve. Go get groceries and drop them off. Be present and show support in practical ways.

5. Listen and let them grieve

Listen. That’s it.

It’s so easy to jump in and offer your two cents. It’s so easy to “think” you know how they feel. But I caution you. Very quickly, you start to sputter out phrases that I mentioned early on and said “Please don’t say this!” You certainly don’t mean harm, but it hurts to the people who are grieving. So, just listen. Let them cry. Let them grieve. Listen and let your loved ones share their story. We don’t do enough listening. Listen more and see how much it means to the person grieving.


14 Responses

  1. I remember a friend of mine let’s call them friend A had a miscarriage and another friend, friend Q says ‘At least it wasn’t a real baby’ dang that was the meanest thing I ever had. Thank you for sharing these tips on how to be there for these moms

    • Derek says:

      That makes me so sad to hear that! It hurts to hear those words. I hope friend Q stumbles upon this post someday! Thanks for reading.


  2. Stephanie says:

    We are often at a loss for words in knowing how to comfort our friends and family who suffer a miscarriage. I hope sharing this heartbreaking experience has helped you in some way.

    • Derek says:


      Thanks for reading. It is a part of my story now and it does help me knowing that maybe I can help someone else who is grieving.


  3. A. H. says:

    This is a difficult thing to speak on and you’ve done it well. Thank you! I personally know 5 friends who have lost a baby in the past two years. This is helpful!

  4. Lydiah says:

    Miscarriage is a big monster. It makes a person to go even in depression and when approaching the topic of miscarriage we should be careful on how to handle it.

    • Derek says:


      I completely agree with you here. It’s important to ask how they are feeling, so they know they’re not alone. Definitely a hard topic to navigate! Thanks for reading.


  5. Nothile says:

    This is very insightful

  6. First, I am so very sorry for your loss, no matter how long ago it was. It takes strength to share a story like this one but it can help others who are going through the same thing. I can’t imagine saying any of the things you mentioned to someone who has suffered a miscarriage. Thank you for sharing this.

    • Derek says:


      Thank you, I appreciate it. I hope my story is able to help someone else going through a similar journey. Thanks for reading.


  7. Susan says:

    My oldest daughter has had four miscarriages in the past three years and nearly lost her life with one. It has been a time of overwhelming grief and emotional upheaval. When I learned a year ago that she was once again pregnant, I was terrified. But now we have the most amazing little 3 month old who brings joy everyday. However, we will always remember the precious babies she lost.

    • Derek says:


      I am sorry to hear that. I always like to say that I have three babies here on Earth and one baby in Heaven. Thanks for sharing your story and for reading mine!


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