5 Caring Ways to Help Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

A few weeks ago, I shared our miscarriage story and how I have worked to deal with the loss. Even three years later, it still hurts. In fact, my wife and I were getting choked up just talking about it today. It hits me at weird times. Certain dates can trigger it. Just seeing the tree in our backyard that we planted in remembrance of our baby reminds me of the painful loss every day. But people’s words can really hurt. That’s why I’m offering 5 caring ways to help someone who had a miscarriage.

Before our miscarriage, I didn’t realize how much of an impact my words can have on someone. Recently, I have talked with a few people in my life who have experienced miscarriage. Ever since my own experience, I am always careful of my conversation and words around the subject of pregnancy because maybe that friend who doesn’t have kids has quietly been grieving four miscarriages. You don’t know. Be careful with your words.

Before I get into my suggestions of how you can support someone grieving, let’s look at what not to say first.

Please don’t say this:

1. “At least you have other kids”
2. “At least you were still early in your pregnancy”
3. “Everything happens for a reason”
4. “I’m sure you will get pregnant again”

5 Caring Ways to Help Someone Who Had a Miscarriage

1. “I don’t know what that is like, but I’m here to support you”

One of the worst mistakes someone makes is to automatically say, “I understand how you feel.” Unless. you have experienced a miscarriage yourself, no you don’t. So, please don’t say that. However, you can acknowledge that you haven’t experienced this before but you are here to support them. Supporting them however they need. It means a lot when someone is real with me. It helps build trust in this situation so I feel like I can be real and share my grief in return.

2. “How are you feeling in your grief today?”

I love this question. There are days where my grief level is really low. I feel good. I didn’t think about the miscarriage much. And that is okay. But there are hard days too. Asking this question shows that you care and are truly ready to listen. It shows that you really want to find out how they are feeling and that you are here for them. It’s more meaningful than “How are ya?”

3. Acknowledge special dates

It’s easy to say “I’m sorry for your loss” and move on with your life. But that person who suffered the miscarriage is always going to be carrying that grief. They will remember the exact date when they found out. They will remember the due date. They will experience their first holidays without their baby. Acknowledging those dates and checking in mean so much. We have a friend who writes a heart felt card and sends texts to check in around those special dates. Wow. It says a lot that she remembers those dates each year.

4. Offer practical support

When times of tragedy strike, I hear people often respond with “If there is anything I can do for you, let me know.” But then they disappear. Don’t disappear. If you have a friend who just had a miscarriage, offer practical support. Go over and mow their lawn. Bring over a dinner. If they have kids, stop over and take their kids to the park, so mommy and daddy can have time together to grieve. Go get groceries and drop them off. Be present and show support in practical ways.

5. Listen and let them grieve

Listen. That’s it.

It’s so easy to jump in and offer your two cents. It’s so easy to “think” you know how they feel. But I caution you. Very quickly, you start to sputter out phrases that I mentioned early on and said “Please don’t say this!” You certainly don’t mean harm, but it hurts to the people who are grieving. So, just listen. Let them cry. Let them grieve. Listen and let your loved ones share their story. We don’t do enough listening. Listen more and see how much it means to the person grieving.