“Are You Having More Kids?” Think Twice Before You Ask This Question

“Are you having more kids?”

It seems like a harmless question. Their child is a toddler now. It’s time to add a sibling! Why not ask and see if there are plans to add to the family?

I caution you. Please don’t ask this question. Here are my reasons why you should not ask someone, “Are you having more kids?”

Suffering from a miscarriage

My wife and I suffered a miscarriage in 2020. Three years later, I am still learning how to cope with our miscarriage. Just because you see a happy family with kids does not mean that there isn’t suffering, grief or hurt emotions. You don’t know what someone else is going through behind closed doors.

I will never forget when I made this exact mistake ten years ago.

My friends lived out of state. Over the holidays, they came back to visit and we had them over for dinner. I’ll never forget coming out and asking (rather bluntly), “So when are you going to have kids!?” I was so excited to maybe find out that they were trying or maybe she was pregnant already!

Dumb. I was so dumb. And I just didn’t realize what I was saying.

She looked at her husband and looked back at us. Silence. Her husband then looks at us and says, “We actually had a miscarriage a few months ago.” I still regret my choice of words that day. I wish I could take it back.

If you aren’t sure how to comfort someone during a miscarriage, check out 5 caring ways to help someone who had a miscarriage.

Trouble getting pregnant

I think it’s a common misconception that once someone gets pregnant and has a baby, it will be easy to get pregnant again.

Wrong.

My wife and I struggled for over a year to get pregnant. We ended up being blessed with twins, but when we tried to get pregnant again years later, we struggled again. It was hard to process that this was going to be a struggle again. Meanwhile, we watched our friends get pregnant with ease. It was frustrating at times and a reminder that no one understands how it feels unless they experience it for themselves.

Asking someone when they will have another baby could really hurt because they may have been trying for a while now. It suddenly adds as a reminder that they are struggling. You don’t want to hurt them. So be cautious with your words.

Every family dynamic is different

Remember that every family dynamic is unique and different. Some families are perfectly content with one child. Others want a large family and love being pregnant. Ultimately, by asking when someone is going to have another baby, it could add hurt or put a wedge in between your relationship with them.

For me personally, we had scares during each of our pregnancies. A cystic hygroma diagnosis on our daughter sent me into a flurry of emotions. We then suffered a miscarriage and for our youngest son, they discovered a hole in his heart during an ultrasound, which God healed.

That being said, after all of those scares and difficult situations, I was content with being done having children. We are so blessed with our three children and I am so happy!

At the end of the day, it’s not our business to ask others if they are having more kids and I do my best to avoid asking this question.