How I Coped After Our Miscarriage
Three years have gone by. It’s still hard to talk about. Coping with a miscarriage is tough. It’s hard to type out the proper words. Miscarriages aren’t spoken of very often, and rightfully so. It’s a tough word to swallow.
According to March of Dimes, “Miscarriage (also called early pregnancy loss) is when there is pregnancy loss before 20 weeks. For women who know they’re pregnant, about 10 to 20 in 100 pregnancies (10 to 20 percent) end in miscarriage. Most miscarriages – 8 out of 10 (80 percent) – happen in the first trimester before the 12th week of pregnancy.”
I’m sharing my story.
Maybe it will help someone else who is currently grieving and coping with miscarriage.
January 6, 2020
My wife was about 8 weeks pregnant as we headed to our doctor’s appointment. Our twins were almost four years old at this point and we were excited to add a third baby to our family.
But that ultrasound changed everything.
The ultrasound tech became quiet. She mentioned that she couldn’t find the heartbeat, but she would try again.
I knew in that moment. I didn’t want it to be true.
I looked over at my wife. Holding back tears of my own as I watched a tear roll down her cheek.
The rest of that day was a blur. A lot of tears shared. But one thing my wife and I promised each other is that we would cry together and share our feelings together. We took that important step to say that we are still a family and will not distance ourselves from each other because of this tough news.
This miscarriage was part of our story now.
A time to grieve
The next few days and weeks were HARD. I can’t lie about that. Even three years later as I type this out, I sit here in tears. When I think about that day, all of those emotions come rushing back. We lost our baby. And so, it was important for me to grieve and be there to support my wife and two children.
It was hard supporting my family emotionally at times. I would drive 30 minutes to work and cry the whole way to work. I did this so that when I came home, I didn’t have tears left to cry. My family would view me as being strong and therefore, I could be there for my wife. Looking back, that wasn’t the best move on my part. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to grieve.
If you are currently coping with a miscarriage, give yourself time to grieve. Coping with a miscarriage is something that people don’t understand unless you’ve been through it before.
It feels lonely. It feels scary. It feels upsetting. It feels really really really sad.
It’s okay to feel all of those emotions.
This tree is in remembrance of you
Later that spring, we planted this tree in memory of our baby, now in Heaven. Everytime I look out my kitchen window, I’m reminded of how blessed we are as parents. And that includes our baby that I will see again someday in Heaven.
My wife and I had a lot of discussions about how we want to remember our baby. We decided on planting a tree together, but that is a conversation you should have with your wife. Personally, it really allowed me to cope because it just puts a smile on my face when I see the tree and reminds me of the hope I have in Heaven.
What do we tell the kids?
Man. This is the hard part. I’m going to try and type this out without crying. Nope, can’t do it.
My kids were almost four years old at the time. They saw their parents come home, distraught. They knew there was a baby in mommy’s belly. Kids are smart! They knew something was wrong. This was going to require a lot of teamwork to have these tough conversations. We chose to be really honest with them and explain that God chose to take the baby home to Heaven with him. They asked a lot of questions.
They cried with us.
My children reminded us on a daily basis that our baby was now in Heaven.
They were grieving with us. One of my toughest moments as a parent. I had no control. Watching my children grieve over this miscarriage left me feeling hopeless.
But I made sure to have conversations with them throughout this process and cry with them. Showing emotions with your children isn’t a weak thing. It builds relationships. It makes them feel safe.
In 2021, we were blessed with our rainbow baby. He makes me smile every single day.
But there isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t think about our baby in Heaven. Was it a boy? Was it a girl?
I’m blessed to be a father to four children. Three on Earth and one in Heaven.
This is all a part of my story now.